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X_____Holly_____X
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Name: Holly
Location: Tallahassee, Florida, United States
Birthday: 11/16/1990
Gender: Female
Interests: acting, writing, and playing basketball and volleyball
Occupation: Student
Message: message me
AIM:  holly131416
Member Since:
11/18/2005
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| so i moved out three weeks ago. i love it. My roommates are so great. Amber and Sterling. We are three's company.
I'm working hard to not be the one that does the pursuing. I want to be pursued. I want to be wanted. And I'm becoming friends with this one guy who is my roommates friend. He's really cool and he's a great guy to talk to. We get along really great, and who knows what will happen. And I'm not really expecting anything to come from it. But I'm fine with that. I'd like to be just friends with him. It something happens, then something happens.
so fail, be bad at things. be embarrased. be afraid. be vulnerable. go out on a limb or two or twelve. you will fall, and it will hurt. but the farther you fall, the higher you will rise. the higher you rise, the clearer your future becomes. failure is a gift, welcome it. there are people who spend their whole lives wondering how they became the people they became, how certain chances pass them by, why they didn't take the roads less traveled. those people aren't you. you have front row seats to your own transformation, and in transforming yourself, you might transform the world. it will be electric, and i promise it will be terrifying. embrace that; embrace the new person you're becoming. this is your moment. i promise you, it is now, not two minutes from now, not tomorrow but really now. own that, know that deep in your bones, go to sleep every night knowing that, wake up every morning remembering that, and keep going.
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| I can't explain this happiness I feel. Yesterday I moved out from under my parents roof. My new room is organized and clutter free. It feels empty, but I absolutely adore it. I love my roommate Amber so much, and I'm so lucky that we've become such good friends this past semester. I love being there for her and I love that she's there for me. I know we're going to have our occasional fights and disagreements, but I have to remember it takes two to tango. I can't get upset over little things, especially if she's telling me that something I do bugs her. I can't get defensive and call her out on something. We are adults and shall treat each other as such.
Last night was our first night in the apartment all moved in. Nate, Scott, and Caleb were still there but we didn't mind. We had a great time hanging out with Nate and Scott. Part of me wishes they weren't leaving; if they weren't then we wouldn't be living there so it's a little confusing. Anyways, Nate and Caleb are leaving tomorrow, and Scott is leaving in about a week. But this boy-free environment will not last for more than a day for our third roommate, Sterling (of the male gender), will be arriving shortly after Scott leaves.
I'm really excited about making new friends and just, I don't know, leaving some of the past behind me. I'm starting fresh, a new Holly. I feel good.
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| I'll tell you what the end of the world will be like. It will be a final moment; both terrible & heartbreaking. Absolute chaos. People running as fast as they ever have, cars filling every road & freeway, phone lines backed up trying to process millions of calls, fingers flying over keyboards, thumbs texting like rapid fire, long lines of people trying to cram themselves into subways & airplanes. All of them trying to tell someone else, "i love you". It's not the end of the world yet. but don't wait until then to tell her. The worst thing isn't the end of the world. It's what you didn't finish; what you didn't say when you had the chance.
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| I'm done crying. This week has been such an emotional drain. The accident, the car, him cheating, me forgiving. I'm stupid. I should hate him, but when confronted, he came clean. He didn't lie or try to hide. I refused to be weak, i was harsh to him. I called him a liar, a cheater, an asshole. But I made him feel like shit. I'm normally a dramatic person that everything to add to the drama. But this time, I was calm and I was surprisingly nice to him. It made him feel worse and shocked. I wanted him to see what he was really letting go of. Someone mature, someone so caring. He asked how he was supposed to break up with the sweetest girl on the planet, my question: why would you want to? I think I know him better than he does. He's too afraid to let someone get close. I know that feeling. He can't love because he's too afraid. I see it even though he tries so hard to hide it. I see right through him.
I'm staying friends with him hoping that one day he'll realize that he was stupid. He'll miss me. At least he still honestly cares. I stayed over one last time and let him comfort me. I didn't sleep much, but feeling him next to me was such a comfort. Saying goodbye in the morning was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I had to leave trusting he wouldn't just disappear from my life. He held me and let me cry. He gave me a sweet kiss goodbye, and I knew this isn't how things usually end. It's not over. He just wants to wait and see. Wait till he's ready to give me his everything. I will be strong until that time comes. He wants me to be strong. So I'm done crying.
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| Broken, betrayed. Left alone to deal.
Empty, alone. This is how I feel.
Useless, worthless. Is anyone alive out there?
invisible, hurt. But you don't even care.
Ripped apart, miserable.
I feel like it's just been one big lie.
Tears keep falling, all I can do is cry.
You never cared, you never saw me
for who I really am. me. that's all.
Insecure, and alone. Lost, and falling.
Falling deeper and deeper.
Sinking lower and lower.
But you don't even care.
Do you see me hurting?
Do you see me crying?
Don't you see the tears I hide?
The tears behind this smile?
Oh, you think the smile is real?
You think I'm really ok?
I fooled you.
But you don't even care.
My everything being crushed.
My hopes and dreams shattered.
Gone, trampled, fading. Dead.
Life, meaningless.
But you don't even care.
I bend, I lose, I fail, I break.
I ache, I hurt, I die, I shake
But God was there to break my fall.
Nothing I did, Nothing I do. Not my all.
His.
His love, His grace, His glory. His life.
Not mine.
Not mine.
Why was I made to hear Your voice.
When others make a wretched choice.
What did I do Lord? Despise and reject you...
Yet you love me? How can this be?
Amazing grace, more than enough, falls down on me.
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